Aeris Was Here
by Ronin2
Summary: What if the FF7 crew parodied the story behind the 1983 Styx album Kilroy Was Here?


AERIS WAS HERE  
  
Intro, disclaimer & cast conversion:  
  
In 1983, the American progressive rock band Styx did a concept  
album titled Kilroy Was Here, in which, according to concept  
creator, and now former member Dennis Acan De Young, was   
an envisioned futuristic world where the evil Majority for Musical  
Morality (MMM) , under the leadership of its founder, Dr. Everett  
Righteous, used its dirty tricks, blackmail and their cable TV  
network to cajole Congress to pass a law known as Code 672,  
which banned the rock & roll genere. During that time, a  
rock star named Robert Orin Charles Kilroy, was just finishing  
up his tour, when a squad of MMM goons raided the stage,  
and one of those said goons murdered one of their own minions,  
framing Kilroy for the deed; in the end, Kilroy was convicted of   
murder, and sent to a prison ship,under the eye of the cyborgs  
known as "Robotos," for the next five years.  
  
Fortunately, Jonathan Chance, a leader of an underground   
movement formed to stop Dr. Righteous and his MMM empire   
used a method to inspire Kilroy to break out and join in the  
fight, disguised as a Roboto, no less.   
  
As such, I chose to do a Final Fantasy parody of the Kilroy story,  
which was featured at the start of the Styx live performance video,  
Caught In The Act, Live. So here it is, my Final Fantasy parody, but  
first the disclaimers: Final Fantasy is a trademark of Square, while  
the Kilroy Was Here story is the trademark of Styx, former Stygian   
Dennis De Young and of Buddies Inc., whatever you like it or  
not. Also, all original Styx tunes used for the parodies (c) 1983  
Stygian Songs & Alamo Music Corp (ASCAP) All rights  
reserved, or words to that effect, eh?  
  
Now for the conversion:  
  
THE FORCES OF GOOD  
  
Robert Orin Charles Kilroy   
(Aeris Gainsborough)  
  
Jonathan Chance  
(Tifa Lockheart)  
  
Jonathan's friend Vinnie  
(Yuffie Kisaragi)  
  
THE FORCES OF EVIL  
  
Dr. Everett Righteous  
(Sephiroth)  
  
Lt. Vanish  
(Rufus Shinra)  
  
Col. Hyde  
(Heidegger)  
  
The Robotos  
(The Jenobotos, as in Jenova)  
  
The murdered MMM Minion  
(Hojo)  
  
The Majority for Musical Morality (MMM)  
(The Syndicate for Sephiroth's Solidarity--  
SSS for short)  
  
Now, on with the story..........  
(Scene #1: Somewhere in the the streets of Neo Midgar, in an  
alley, where Tifa is painting a billboard of The Syndicate for  
Sephiroth's Solidarity (SSS), which features the face of its leader, Dr.  
Sephiroth; having been painted with Tifa's art work, the face looks  
like the S-man is a victim of the black plague. Nearby, Yuffie is   
standing guard. Several yards away, is one of the televised SSS  
rallies where crowds can be seen, along with the SSS troops,  
tossing anything Cetra and/or AVALANCHE related stuff into  
a huge bonfire.)  
  
Yuffie: Hurry up, Tif!! I don't like the idea of usin' The Cetra Code  
so near a SSS rally. It's only a matter of time before their  
spy drones get wind of it.  
  
Tifa: You can't rush The Cetra Code. Remember, Aeris started the  
whole thing before the last of The Cetra and AVALANCHE went  
underground, so we'll start it back up again.  
  
(Suddenly, over the rally, a hologram of Dr. Sephiroth's head is   
projected up in the sky, while his voice booms from a P.A.  
system.)  
  
Sephiroth (over the P. A.): Good evening!! I've seen the future--  
a future of joy and happiness, devoid of the plagues known  
as The Cetra and AVALANCHE.  
  
(Suddenly, a spotlight from a SSS spy drone shines on Tifa and  
Yuffie.)  
  
Sephiroth: AVALANCHERS!! GET THEM!!  
  
(The crowd from the rally sets out in pursuit, but Tifa and Yuffie  
reach safety in the form of a sewer; after Tifa places the cover,   
the crowd loses them. From there, the gals head down the   
long tunnel.)  
  
Yuffie: We've had it now!! Now that they know what we look like,  
we'll be busted!!  
  
Tifa: It ain't over yet. We've come so far in hiring recruits for  
our cause to bring down Doc Sephy and his SSS. Lest we forget,   
The Cetra Code was created to hire new allies. Ever since Code  
672 was passed by Congress, along with the conviction of  
Aeris 5 years ago, for the murder of Hojo, we've dedicated our   
lives to ensure that Aeris' sacrifice ain't in vain. Right now, our  
movement's at 87 people, but only till it's big enough, do  
we decide when we crush Dr. Sephiroth and his SSS war  
machine.  
  
Yuffie: You TRULY think Aeris killed Hojo? All the TV news claim   
she did.  
  
Tifa: You believe that propaganda junk?!? I sure don't, since  
Aeris could never use Sephiroth's Masamune to do the   
deed. Anyhow, the time's come for Plan B.  
  
Yuffie: I hope it works......  
(Scene #2: Onboard a typical SSS prison ship, in the dining galley,  
surrounded by the vigilant Jenobotos, Aeris is seated at one of many  
tables, along with several other unfortunate convicts, while waiting for  
the announcement for the daliy dinner. At that moment, one of the  
Jenobotos makes the announcement.)  
  
Jenoboto: Good evening. We, your ever helpful Jenobotos, will now  
serve you for dinner, Dr. Sephiroth's Pepper Steak, which, as with  
your breakfast and lunch, is supplied by The Syndicate for Sephiroth's   
Solidarity. Enjoy yourselves.  
  
(Several of the Jenobotos carry boxes bearing the words "Dr.  
Sephiroth's Pepper Steak," each Jenoboto giving a convict his or her  
box. Inside is two pieces of pepper steak, a buttered roll, a knife   
and fork, sauce, and soda. Upon getting her food, all Aeris can do   
is sob sadly.)  
  
Aeris: What did I do to deserve that?  
  
(One of the Jenobotos approaches Aeris and talks to her.)  
  
Jenoboto: I've been instructed to tell you your braid is seven feet  
long, and it needs to be cut. Please comply.  
  
(An exsasperated Aeris jumps to her feet and glares at the   
Jenoboto.)  
  
Aeris: Now just a minute!! That is goin' too far!!  
  
Jenoboto: Too far?  
  
Aeris: It's bad 'nuff you an' your kind treat me like that, and give me  
such cruddy food, and other crummy stuff, but......when you make  
fun of my braid, THAT.........is where I draw the line!!  
  
(With one foot, Aeris kicks the Jenoboto in the stomach; that in   
turn, incites a riot till there's a melee of convicts scrapping with  
Jenobotos--until a voice is heard on the P.A. system.)  
  
P.A. voice: Priority alert!! There's a riot in the dining section!!  
Start the halothane gas!!  
  
(From hidden vents, halothane gas belches till all the convicts--  
Aeris included--wind up dozing off under the effects of the gas.)  
  
(Scene #3: One of the tunnelike hallways of the central bowels  
of the SSS communication home base. Cables, relays, nodes,  
and conduits line the walls. Right now, one section of the wall  
features a huge panel, surrounded by TV screens broadcasting  
Dr. Sephiroth's spiel. And it's that section that Tifa and Yuffie  
approach, each carrying a duffel bag.)  
  
Yuffie: You sure it's the place?  
  
Tifa: According to the schematics your boyfriend Reno got,  
it's the place.  
  
Yuffie: To quote Cid, I bet ol' Sephy is crappin' in his panz  
now.  
  
(Scene #4: One of the vast halls of the SSS prison ship where  
Aeris and the convicts, having recovered from the effects of the   
halothane gas, seat themselves before several 40 inch TV screens  
broadcasting the 3 hour sessions of the SSS, part of the standard   
mind control sessions. On the screen, we see the words THE  
DR. SEPHIROTH SHOW, followed by SPONSORED BY THE  
SYNDICATE FOR SEPHIROTH'S SOLIDARITY. We then see a stage  
on which stand Dr. Sephiroth, Lt. Rufus Shinra and Col.   
Heidegger.)  
  
CETRA ANCIENT POISONING  
Parody of Heavy Metal Poisoning  
Performed by Sephiroth  
  
Sephiroth:  
The time's come to take a stand  
to reclaim The Promised Land  
Those Cetras owned it long enough  
so it's time we got real tough.  
  
AVALANCHE is a big pain  
whose efforts just don't mean a thing  
Their leader Cloud Strife's a nut  
Let's go kick his spikey butt.  
  
It's Cetra Ancient poisoning  
They're the scourge of Shinra  
and of Jenova  
You're gettin' hooked on sweet Aeris G.  
You're gettin' hooked on ol'   
AVALANCHE  
AVALANCHE  
AVALANCHE  
and The Cetra.  
  
AVALANCHE is one big fright  
But they're wrong and I am right  
First I'll stab them from behind  
then I'll play with ol' Cloud's mind  
  
It's Doc Sephiroth, an' I am here to sing,  
that dumb AVALANCHE, is poisoning  
They're a terrorist group, that destroyed  
Shinra  
They're over loaded, on RPGs,  
Playstations,  
all Square games---  
  
Crowd:  
--and Aeris G.!!  
  
Solo  
  
Sephiroth:  
It's Doc Sephiroth,an' I am here to sing,  
that dumb AVALANCHE, is poisoning  
They're a terrorist group, that destroyed  
Shinra  
They're overloaded, on RPGs,  
Playstations,  
all Square games.  
  
It's Cetra Ancient poisoning  
They're the scourge of Shinra  
and of Corneo  
You're gettin' hooked on sweet Aeris G.  
You're gettin' hooked on ol'   
AVALANCHE  
AVALANCHE  
AVALANCHE--  
  
Crowd:  
--and The Cetra!!!!  
(chanting):  
Sephy!!  
Sephy!!  
Sephy!!  
Sephy!!  
YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth (shouting): SHADDAADP!! SHAADAAPPPPPP!!!!  
  
(Scene #5: In the tunnel like passage in the SSS communications  
section, Tifa takes off the cover of the main panel, and is now   
finishing with patching a S Video cord in the input, with a  
Playstation 2 on the other end, which is now manned by Yuffie.  
Patched in between the signal path of the PS2 and the panel's  
stereo sound inputs, is a mixing box with a mike hooked up.)  
  
Tifa: Let's hope it works. All set, Yuffie Girl?  
  
Yuffie: All systems go, T. L.  
  
Tifa: Then play for what it's worth.  
  
Yuffie: Aye, aye, Captain Kirk.  
  
(Scene #6: Back in the SSS prison ship, in the mind control room.  
Aeris is almost nodding off from the 3 hour spiel of the SSS   
programming----when the familiar sound of the Final Fantasy VII  
battle theme jolts her awake. To everyone's surprise, on the  
screens we see that Dr. Sephiroth's image is gone, replaced  
by Aeris, Tifa and Cloud battling Ark Dragons in The Mythril Mines.  
And that ain't all--from the TV speakers, we hear Tifa's voice.)  
  
Tifa's voice (from the speakers): Doc Sephiroth, you @%#*$&^,  
you can't win!! It ain't over yet!! You're listenin' to Tifa Lockheart!!  
So listen up, Sephy!! Your BUT-TOCKS is in deep doodoo!!  
  
(On Aeris' face, we see a look of surprise.)  
  
Aeris (murmuring): Tifa........!!  
  
(Scene #7: Same as Scene #5. Tifa is talking into the mike that  
was patched into the mixer while Yuffie is playing the game.)  
  
Tifa (continued): To anyone listening, it ain't over!! We're still  
here!! An' we're ready--or words to that effect.  
  
(Yuffie finishes the game, and she and Tifa unhook all their stuff,   
pack it all back in their bags, and hightail it from the hallway.)  
  
(Scene #8: In her cell in the SSS prison ship, Aeris is laying on   
her bunk; having seen Tifa's latest attempt to get a hold of her,   
she's now forming a plan to breakout. Reaching under her mat,   
she pulls out a Jenoboto manual, and skims the pages till she  
comes across the chapter titled WHAT NOT TO DO TO YOUR  
JENOBOTO. Atfer studying its contents, Aeris stashes the manual  
under the mat, before reaching for her photo locket she's now   
wearing 'round her neck; in the heart shaped locket frame, is  
a photo of Cloud. Upon seeing that, Aeris starts to sing and sob  
sadly.)  
  
DON'T LEAVE ME, CLOUD  
Parody of Don't Let It End  
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough  
  
Aeris:  
What can I do?  
My photo of you still makes me cry  
I am tryin' to live without you, Cloud  
--it's so hard to do.  
Sometimes I'll look back, when we   
met in Midgar, while I was sellin'  
my flowers  
But I get up each day, with not  
much to say   
Does Square hate me so?  
Some gamers say Tifa loves you  
--an' to me, that sucks.  
But if you give me a chance to  
remember, the games we once  
played together.  
Cloud, to me, you're my Final  
Fantasy.  
I hope that you don't say, "No."  
I mean to tell you--  
  
Chorus:  
Don't leave me, Cloud  
SOLDIER dude, you give me   
much more, more, more  
Don't leave me, Cloud  
Can't you see I ain't no  
ol' bore, bore, bore.....  
  
That stupid Rinoa,  
is just an' ol' tramp  
and that summoner Yuna,  
is a chump, not a champ  
I am prettier than Celes,  
an' Garnet too.  
I wanna marry you, Cloud,  
because I love you.  
  
Don't leave me, Cloud  
I hope that it ain't Game  
Over today  
Don't leave me, Cloud  
I hope that it ain't Game  
Over toda------------------ay  
  
Solo  
  
Chorus (repeat)  
  
Aeris:  
Don't leave me, Cloud  
I hope you don't forget  
our date today.....  
Don't leave me, Cloud  
I hope you don't forget  
our date today.....  
No, no, no.  
No, no, no.  
  
Life's just no breeze,  
in all RPGs  
I need you to stay,   
Cloud Strife,  
so don't leave me, Cloud......  
no......way.........  
  
(After the last strains of the tune fade out, a Jenoboto arrives at   
the cell door, opens it, and enters. From there, it bows to Aeris  
and talks.)  
  
Jenoboto: I've been instructed to inform you that your unwarranted  
behavior in the eating section today just resulted in your privilages  
gettin' penalized for the period. Your disciplinary session is earmarked  
for 0900 hours tomorrow. That is your formal notice, Aeris.  
  
Aeris: Jenoboto, your words--they're meaningless and badly informed.  
You're in error.  
  
Jenoboto: Error?  
  
Aeris: Your error light is on.  
  
Jenoboto: I got an error light?  
  
Aeris: You mean they never told you that you got an error light?  
Allow me to help.  
  
Jenoboto: No devience, Aeris.  
  
Aeris: No, no devience. Just the fact your shoelace is untied.  
  
Jenoboto: WHAT?!?  
  
(While the Jenoboto bends down to check her shoes, Aeris whips  
out from her pink ribbon, a Lightning Materia, and casts Bolt 3 on the  
hapless Jenoboto, causing it to spark into submission, before it falls   
in a smoking heap.)  
  
Aeris: Let that be a lesson to you--never trust a Cetra Ancient.  
  
(Scene #9: Disguised as a Jenoboto, Aeris climbs up a ladder,   
which leads to an outside hatch. From there, she scuttles   
across the surface of the prison ship, hiding from the spy drones  
from time to time till she reaches a second hatch before climbing  
down it, into a section where identtical Jenobotos await offloading  
for maintenance. No sooner does the ship land, the two batches of   
Jenobotos switch, and in the exchange, Aeris breaks from the pack,   
hightailing it for Neo Midgar.)  
  
(Scene #10: As one of a billion Jenobotos, Aeris makes   
her way to the deserted streets. Nearby, is a trash can with a half  
full can of spray paint. Using the can, she sprays several Cetra  
Code communiques on many SSS billboards along the way,  
before mounting a Gold Chocobo bound for who knows where.)  
  
(Scene #11: Atop one of a few slum buildings in Neo Midgar,  
Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Barrett, Red XIII, Reeve (formerly Cait Sith),   
Vincent, Zack,Cloud and the Turks--Tseng, Elena, Reno and Rude--  
scan the cityscape, when Cloud spots something with his binoculars.)  
  
Cloud: Sst!! Tifa!! Check it out!!  
  
(Tifa comes to Cloud, who gives her the binocs; she stares through   
them while using a decoding booklet.)  
  
Tifa: It's The Cetra Code all right. And from what I was able to decode,  
it means Plan B is official.  
  
Yuffie: Yaaaaayy!! Aeris broke out!!  
  
Tifa: That ain't all--it also says where we all should meet her at--which  
is the last place anyone would head to. Let's go.  
  
(Scene #12: In the central office of the SSS H. Q. building, Dr.  
Sephiroth is at his desk, playing with a yoyo, when Lt. (Rufus) Shinra  
and Col. Heidegger rush in.)  
  
Rufus: Dr. Sephiroth!! Some yutz tampered with our TV system, an'   
what's worse, we found the carcass of a shorted out Jenoboto  
in the cell of one Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
Sephiroth: So it was Aeris that did just that. She's improved long since  
I stabbed her at The Forgotten City.  
  
Heidegger: You sure it wasn't a Game Shark that brung her back?  
  
Sephiroth: Definitely. Place all sections on alert, everywhere, or no  
TV in the rec room.  
  
Heidegger: We'll get her for sure, an' we'll get her good. Gyah, hah,  
haaaah!!  
  
Rufus: Stop that STUU---------PID laugh!!  
  
Sephiroth: Ditto!! Now get on with it!!  
  
(After Rufus and Heidegger exit the office, Sephiroth turns to a window  
that overlooks the Neo Midgar skyline,resuming his yoyo playing.)  
  
Sephiroth: Aeris Gainsborough, your BUT-TOCKS is mine.......  
  
ANCIENT LIFE  
Parody of Double Life  
Performed by Sephiroth  
  
Sephiroth:  
In a sure fire RPG,  
from the world of Final Fantasy  
a green eyed gal passes through  
to meet with Cloud at a strange rendezvous  
  
She's a braid tailed Cetra babe  
that makes any gamer rave  
But Shinra too, wanted her so bad  
just for The Promised Land--how sad.  
All because she's--  
  
Chorus:  
Leading a Ancient Life  
Flowers in the daytime,  
magic at night.  
Leading a Ancient Life  
Can it be wrong when she knows   
that it's right?  
  
Sephiroth:  
The Gold Saucer was no doubt first rate,  
so Cloud and Aeris went on their date  
They had their hopes, that they would wed  
until I stabbed poor Aeris dead,   
because she was--  
  
Chorus (repeat)  
  
Solo  
  
Sephiroth:  
But she came back, so I wonder why  
for she's a legend, well so am I  
Ancient Life, a Ancient Life, a game  
diva  
You know Aeris is a game diva  
I know she's out there--  
  
Chorus (repeat)  
  
(Scene #13: The town of Nibelheim, where Tifa and Yuffie climb   
the retaining wall that surrounds the Nibelheim Theater, now the  
site of Dr. Sephiroth's Museum Of Cetra & AVALANCHE Pathology.)  
  
Yuffie: What a scary joint.  
  
Tifa: According to the message, Aeris must be in there. Let's go.  
  
(Without further ado, Tifa and Yuffie enter the museum.)  
  
(Scene #14: Inside the dimly lit interior of the theater, Tifa and   
Yuffie spot a red neon sign reading, DR. SEPHIROTH'S MUSEUM OF   
CETRA & AVALANCHE PATHOLOGY. Beyond that, is the first exhibit--  
a cyborg replica of Aeris' mother, Iflana, with a cyborg of her old   
man, Prof. Gast. Moving on, the two head to the next exhibit in   
the form of Aeris' foster mother, Elmyra. Last of all, on the stage,   
is the main attraction: a cyborg recreation of the night when   
Aeris was captured--cyborgs of The Turks playing their violins   
and cellos, Cloud on his bass, Cid and Vincent on thier electric   
guitars, Barret, Reeve, Zack and Red XIII on the horns, Tifa   
and Yuffie on the synthesizers and Aeris on the drums--with a   
copy of Sephiroth's Masamune sword in one hand, aimed at   
a cyborg Hojo, who steps up to protest, only to shriek in death   
while the cyborg Aeris stabs him. Across the front of the stage,   
down where Tifa and Yuffie now stand, is a huge blue neon   
sign in block font letters that reads, AERIS KILLS. And that is when   
a recorded voice of Dr. Sephiroth can be heard on the P. A.)  
  
Sephiroth's voice (over the P. A.): Greetings. Welcome to our main   
exhibit, which is depicting the violent end to the evils of all things  
Cetra Ancient and AVALANCHE. On the night of Code 672, which   
protects everyone from these said evils, the last Cetra, Aeris  
Gainsborough up an' murdered my most loyal supported and  
minion, Professor Hojo, formerly of Shinra Inc, who is also my  
old man. As such, we designed and built the exhibit you see,  
to illustrate why we must remain vigilant aganst all that stuff.  
  
(Enraged at Sephiroth's SSS dogma, along with the way  
the exhibit depicts their friend, Yuffie and Tifa launch into their  
Limit Breaks, ripping out the Masamune from the cyborg Aeris'  
hand, before shorting it out, causing the whole cyborg system   
to stop. After that, a voice, that Tifa and Yuffie know full well  
is heard.)  
  
Aeris' voice: Tifa........Yuffie....  
  
(From the shadows, a Jenoboto is seen coming from the shadows  
before stopping before Yuffie and Tifa--and bursts into song  
in the same voice they've heard before........)  
  
MS. JENOBOTO  
Parody of Mr. Roboto  
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough  
  
Aeris:  
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto  
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto,  
I hope to see you again  
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto  
Do you wanna know a secret?  
  
You're wonderin' what I am  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
WEAPON or manniquin  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
I came back from the grave  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
For I am a Cetra babe  
  
I've got a secret: I've been hidin'  
under that mech  
My hair is butterscotch, my blood  
is Ancient, an' I am a wreck  
So if you see me actin' strangely,  
don't be surprised  
I am just a gal that needs a comeback  
an' a game to revive  
To keep me alive----to keep me alive  
A game to revive, to keep me alive  
  
I ain't no Cait Sith, without emotions  
I ain''t what you see  
I've come to help you, with some   
game tips, for Square's RPGs  
I ain't no heroine, I ain't no diva,  
forget what you know  
I am just a babe whose circumstances  
went beyond Square's control  
Beyond Square's control--the game  
needs control  
I need control--the game needs control  
  
I am a Cetra babe  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
That came back from the grave  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
Right now, no one can see  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
my real indentity.  
  
Chorus:  
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto  
Domo (Domo) Domo (Domo)  
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto  
Domo (Domo) Domo (Domo)  
Domo Arigato, Ms. Jenoboto  
(repeat last line x12 in background)  
  
Aeris (in foreground):  
Thank you oh so much, oh Ms. Jenoboto  
for playin' the games that no one else wants to  
an' thank you oh so much, oh Ms. Jenoboto  
for good ol' Kingdom Hearts when I needed it  
Thank you--thank you, thank you.  
I wanna thank you--hey, thank you  
Oh, oh, oh, oh---------I' aiiiiiiiiiii......!!  
  
Aeris (continued):  
The problem's plain to see:  
It's Shinra technology,  
Mako to save our lives  
An' WEAPONs dehumanize.....  
  
The time's now come at last  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
to throw away my mask  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
Now everyone can see  
(Cetra, Cetra, I am just a Cetra)  
my REAL identity:  
It's Aeris.....Aeris....Aeris....Aeris....!!  
  
(With one hand, the Jenoboto removes the shell of its head,   
revealing the comely face of the one and only Aeris.)  
  
Yuffie & Tifa: Aeris.....!!  
  
Aeris: None other.  
  
(The ladies meet up with the last Cetra and hug each other while  
sobbing tears of joy.)  
  
Aeris: So help me, it's great to see you. I am so thankful you got   
my Cetra Codes.  
  
Tifa: We're thankful you saw my broadcast.  
  
Yuffie: An' my game playin'.  
  
Aeris: It's what prompted me to bust outa that prison joint, 7 foot  
braid tail an' all.  
  
Barret's voice: Heeeeeeeeeeey!!!!  
  
(At that moment, Barett, Zack, Cloud, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII,  
Reeve and The Turks show up, reaching the stage.)  
  
Aeris: Barret!! Cloud!! You all came!!  
  
Red XIII: Absolutely.  
  
The Turks: AAAA-MEN!!!!  
  
Aeris (to Cloud): Oh, Cloud, you got NO IDEA how long I've missed   
you!!  
  
Cloud: Tell me all 'bout it.  
  
(From there, Aeris and Cloud share a long loving kiss.)  
  
Barret: Get a room, foo' !!  
  
Vincent: As you can see, we've been, for the past five years,   
setting up a network, ready to spread worldwide.  
  
Cid: An' ready to rub out all of the &^$*%@# lies of that %@#*^$&  
SSS.  
  
Zack: An' when the time is right, we'll shred that Doc Sephy's  
jockey shorts.....  
  
Tseng: .....an' kick his BUT-TOCKS......  
  
Elena: .....an' give him 'da works.....  
  
Reno: .....an' boil him in oil.....  
  
Rude: .....an' punch his lights out.  
  
Aeris: Hey, settle down, all of you. If you all wanna best Dr. Sephiroth   
an his crummy SSS, you'd best be prepared. I learned the hard way   
Doc Sephy don't play head games----an' I don't mean the   
Foreginer album.  
  
Zack: Hey I thought we were doin' a parody on Styx.  
  
Cloud: Don't worry 'bout a thing--we're prepared for anything.  
We even got Game Shark cheat codes in case things get iffy.  
  
Aeris: Least it's a start.  
  
Tifa (after a long pause): Did you TRULY kill Hojo?  
  
Aeris: HELL NO!!!! I didn't kill ANYONE AT ALL!! That &$^*%@#  
Sephiroth did the dirty deed an' framed me for it, knowing the H-man  
was a threat to the future of the SSS--well, that, plus the fact that Hojo  
was his old man--an' I thought Tidus an' Jecht were the only ones....  
also, by gettin' me busted, it would strike the symbolic death blow   
to The Cetra an' AVALANCHE. (pause) I can still remember it all,   
five years ago............you'd think the nightmares had faded....  
and yet......  
  
(Enter flashback.)  
  
(Scene #15: Same as #14, only 5 years ago. It's no hype that   
The Nibelheim Theater is a packed house, full of people and   
other Final Fantasy otaku (Japanese for biggest fan). Right now,  
the AVALANCHErs and The Turks just finished the last tune on the  
stage, at the end of their long tour, and the crowd cheers.)  
  
Cloud (to the audience): Thank you!! Thank you for coming, an'  
on behalf of The Turks, an' the rest of the band, I hope we   
passed the audition!! (to Zack) Boy, what a way to finish our tour,  
eh, Zack?  
  
Zack: I just wish we hadn't taken such a big risk of even doin' the   
tour, with ol' Doc Sephy an' his dumb ol' SSS pushin' for Code 672.  
  
Cid: But what a way to go. 'Sides, I'd like to punch the %@#&$^*   
outa Doc Seph if he tries anything!!  
  
(As if in reply, the house lights turn on, and Dr. Sephiroth, Hojo,  
Lt. Shinra, Col. Heidegger and a huge legion of SSS troops march in  
and storm the stage, the troops blocking the audience's view  
from Cloud and co.)  
  
Sephiroth: OK, you ^*#%@&$ bastards, you're in it now!! Victory is  
ours, now that Code 672 is passed!!  
  
Aeris: You just don't get it, do you?  
  
Hojo: You heard Dr. Sephiroth--for you, the last Cetra, it's back to the  
Shinra lab for you.  
  
(At that moment, Sephiroth uses a Time/All Materia combo on   
AVALANCHE and The Turks, casting Stop on all, while Hojo is rambling.  
From there, he unsheaths his Masamune sword and stabs Hojo dead   
through his back. That done, he sticks the sword in Aeris' hand, uses  
an Esuna/All Materia on Cloud and co., before gesturing to the  
troops to step aside, the audience seeing one dead Shinra  
scientist, and a bewildered Aeris with the bloodied sword in her  
hand.)  
  
Sephiroth: Great Scott!! Aeris just went and stabbed Hojo!! GET  
HER!!!!  
  
(In an instant, the theater is an absolute melee with Cloud,  
AVALANCHE and The Turks duking it out with some of the SSS troops   
while other troops pick up and carry poor Aeris out through the  
stage door and out into the streets.)  
  
Aeris: HELP!! PO-LICE!! PARAMEDICS!! CLOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD!!!!!!!!  
  
(Exit flashback.)  
  
(Scene #16: Same as Scene #14,only back in the present. Aeris is  
soobing the rest of her tale while Tifa, Yuffie and Cloud comfort her.)  
  
Aeris (sobbing): And so.......I was convicted of Hojo's murder an'  
sent to one of their prison ships. Over the next 5 years, the SSS went  
an' garnered all the power an' influence tiil they're stronger than the  
Shinra, even the goverment.........  
  
Tifa: Poor baby........so Sephiroth thinks it's over, does he? He thinks  
he's won?  
  
Reeve: Next thing you know, he'll start banning video games--even  
Square's RPGs.  
  
Vincent: They can't do that. It ain't the games in question, but the  
freedom of expression.  
  
(Aeris dries the last of the tears and stands in determination.)  
  
Aeris: It ain't over yet. Tifa, you an' the others were out there,  
spreading The Cetra Code, collecting allies an' Final Fantasy  
fans worldwide. We may be small, but there's other ways to  
fight a war. That Sephiroth declared war on the planet when  
he succeeded with Code 672. And he declared war when  
he murdered Hojo, framed me for the deed, an' had me  
incarcerated. So like it or not, we're at war. Or words to that  
effect, eh?  
  
(Picking up the discarded replica of Sephiroth's sword, Aeris   
hurls it like a javelin at one of Seph's posters, demolishing it.)  
  
Tifa: You're right. Something must be done, and something  
WILL be done!! (Bursts into song.)  
  
AVALANCHE AIN'T NO OL' BORE  
Parody of Haven't We Been Here Before?  
Performed by Tifa Lockheart  
  
Tifa:  
AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore  
Until next year, we were shoved   
out the door,   
an' Square said we can't stay   
here no more.  
  
Then Final Fantasy 8 came  
with Squall and his SeeDs,  
an' Sorceresses,  
an' Junction spells an' G. F.'s   
galore.  
  
After that, came FF9,  
Zidane an' his bunch,  
with Kuja tryin' to steal the show  
FF10 was the rage,  
with that bimbo Yuna,  
an' that studly dude Tidus--whoa!!  
  
But what of AVALANCHE?  
We got the big chance  
So we're here, an' we'll never let go  
  
So tonight, let's all play again,  
that good ol' FF7 now an' then  
An' as time rolls on,  
we'll be #1 again.  
  
An' I believe if we learn from the past,  
we'd say AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore  
an' I believe with our Game Shark cheat  
codes,  
we'd be able to win every game  
an' then prove to ol' Square  
we've come back  
with such flair.  
  
So tonight, let's all play again,  
that good ol' FF7 now an' then  
An' as time rolls on,  
we'll be #1 again.  
  
An' I believe if we learn from the past,  
we'd say AVALANCHE ain't no ol' bore.  
Oh, an' I believe with our Game Shark cheat  
codes,  
we'd be able to win every game,  
an' we'd make so much Gil.  
with which, we'll pay our bill.  
So hear me out, Seph.  
With our Playstation,  
we'll ain't likely to be in debt.  
  
(With everyone cheering at Tifa's performance, Aeris holds   
up a hand.)  
  
Aeris: Fantastic, Teef. So with that in mind, you think you and the  
others can help me?  
  
Tifa: Anything for a friend. We'll get that Doc Sephy an' his  
crummy SSS, one way or another.......  
  
Aeris: An' we'll get him good--I think....  
  
Cloud: In that case......(gives Aeris a pair of drumsticks)....long  
live the Cetras.  
  
Aeris: An' AVALANCHE.  
  
(From there, Aeris and co. reclaim their instruments from their  
cyborg twins and play in one last hurrah prior to their up and  
coming task of ending the evil rule of Dr. Sephiroth and his SSS  
empire. Right now, Aeris is back behind her drum kit, playing  
with the others, and singing for what it's worth.)  
  
LET'S PLAY AGAIN  
Parody of Don't Let It End (Reprise)  
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough  
  
Aeris:  
I am a Cetra babe,  
with a planet to save,  
I'll do my best to try  
to keep the Cetra alive....  
keep it alive....  
keep it alive....  
keep it alive....  
  
All:  
Let's play again  
(repeat x4)  
  
Aeris:  
Whoo, hoo, hoo!!  
We're goin' to play Square   
games through the night,  
Saga Frontier, Ehrgeiz,  
an' Einhander's just right.  
An' Final Fantasy's still our   
heart an' soul,  
so let's all play till we lose  
control!!  
  
Let's play again....  
  
Terra.....Cloud....Squall  
....Zidane......Tidus--  
Ah, wa, whoo.........!!  
Chocobos an' Mogs rule.......!!  
(Ad lib to fade)  
  
OWARI (THE END)  
  
Dedicated to the memory of original  
Styx drummer John Anthony Panozzo,  
who died in 1996, from complications  
linked to alcohol. May he rest in peace.......  
  
--Ronin. 


End file.
